Guilt and Checkmarks

My engine runs on guilt and checkmarks.

I know it's not the most environmentally friendly of inner-fuels, like "love" or "purpose" but some of us didn't grow up on that solar-friendly renewable resource shit ok? Some of us didn't know you could absorb and store sunlight and hugs, so we tried filling up our tanks with survivor's guilt and Catholic guilt and I-Ate-The-Last-Dumpling-Instead-Of-Splitting-It-In-Half guilt and we set it on fire and watched it combust into energy. And it's a lot of energy. It's get a Master's degree in a field I'm not sure I like energy.

At some point though, the pollution of your engine gets to you. The exhaust from guilt leaves a bitter kind of smog. Trees die and birds stop singing and your inner-environmental-activists have picket signs and they're telling you to wean off of guilt. (The meanest picket sign: "Your Family Isn't Disappointed In You. You Are Disappointed In You.")

So I decided to get with the times and upgrade my engine to a hybrid. I needed to add a fuel that wasn't just about running away from something (guilt, disappointment), I needed a fuel that helped me run towards something. So I started using checkmarks.

I love a satisfying checkmark. Whether it's a check on a todo list or a habit tracker or a rung on career ladder, I'm. Here. For. It. I loooove tangible symbols of completely arbitrary growth. I still keep every business card I ever got (Engineer, Manager, Senior Manager, Director, VP...) like they are collectible baseball cards.

At least I don't laminate them.

Obviously, my engine does great in a corporate system where there is an abundance of people to disappoint and an abundance of juicy checkmarks to chase after. Also obviously, my engine has been having a panic attack since leaving said corporate system to focus on more creative pursuits. Let's just say I spent 3 months eating off-brand cheetos and playing Stardew Valley. (I'm not judging myself for this, I needed a break after 12 years at a startup!!^[1])

But eventually I hit my threshold for fake cheese and fake integrity. It was too much lying to myself every morning about writing music and then seeing myself day after day not writing any music.

So being the well-coached, well-read individual I am, I start implementing a few accountability practices to help me on my follow through. The most effective ones for me have always been Accountability Groups and Habit Trackers.

And they've worked wonders. I've been stringing together month-long streaks of writing, practicing piano, game development, writing lyrics, all that. I'm productive as hell. I mean, I'm practically creative-employee of the month over here!

But, I noticed something a tad concerning. When I sit down to write a song the thing I'm focused on the most is how much I look forward to checking off that habit tracker box on my calendar. I'm not thinking about how good this chord sounds, of what kind of emotions this melody brings out. I'm thinking about that rush I get when I grab a red pen and draw a perfectly centered 'X' in a box. So I do the minimum to get the practice "done" and rush to my soulmate - the red checkmark.

Shoot.

And I do this with all the things. When I'm writing lyrics, I'm thinking about the words, but not as much as I'm thinking about how bad I'll feel if I let my accountability group down.

Shoooot.

Guilt and checkmarks. The accountability practice stuff is working so well because it's still based on guilt and checkmarks. But this engine only helps with getting your ass into the seat^[2]. It doesn't help with the actual making of the art.

So, I've been relaxing on my accountability structures. I still need them, but I don't want to be overly reliant on them for motivation. Crutch, not cure. I need to slow down a bit and listen to chords again, mull over the feel of a word again, listen to an audiobook on 1.0x speed again. I also need to get with the times and upgrade my engine again. The inner-environmental-activists are back with their picket signs and this time it says: "IF HAPPINESS IS A COMPLETED TODO LIST YOU'RE NOT REALLY HAPPY."

I've been trying this for the last two weeks. I'm still getting my butt into the seat, still writing, still making music. I do have less "output" to show off. As in, I've written less words-per-day, I haven't generated as many loops or lyrics, etc. But I finally get why EVERY-fucking-BODY tells you to "enjoy the process" now. To create for the sake of creating. It's the only fuel that works for art.