Small Acts of Integrity

I'm tired of thinking big ya'll.

In the startup world there's this thing that happens where you throw out a goal and someone will just automatically add 20% to it, as a best practice. Or they'll ask you something like: "but what if... you think bigger?" or "what if... you weren't afraid?"

It comes from a good place (...I think?? I mean - let's talk about unchecked capitalism later) and that good place is - we often underestimate what we can achieve so it helps to have people push you for more.  Besides, what's the worst that can happen right? Shoot for moon, blah blah, reach stars, blah blah.

Let me ask you though, what's the difference between having a to-do list of 20 items, of which you got done 5... versus having a todo list of 3 items, of which you get done 3.

Well, you got done 2 more things obviously.  But at what cost? For me, the costs  are:

• the anxiety of the 15 other things that I won't be able to get to
• the way I rush through things in order to get more done.  rushing is everything from half-heartedly practicing piano to half-listening to a friend at lunch because I gotta mentally prep for the next thing
• the slow chipping away at my sense of self-integrity because I keep saying I will do certain things (to myself and to others) and then not following through

(That last bullet is a doozy for me because I already have self-love/self-compassion challenges as it is.)  

I used to think the costs were worth it, to get those 2 more things done.  Now I'm re-thinking.  For example, at my behest, my piano teacher used to give me 5 assignments every week: scales, improvisation, learning a song, composition, studying a music theory concept.  Most weeks I did 2 of those 5, and on the weeks where I did all of them I could only scratch the surface.  I felt shitty everytime we checked in, recounting the things I couldn't get to.  (He was always very kind about it.)  Now we're just focusing on 2 (improv exercises, learning a song) and I find myself actually enjoying my practice because I have the freedom to tinker a bit, to go deep.  I'm noticing patterns in the circle of 5ths that I hadn't noticed before, I have time to play with different voicings.  I'm not scrambling.

A year ago I would have given myself a dressing down for only committing to 2 things a week.  Where's your heart at tvu? How are you going to achieve anything worthwhile at this piddling pace?

Nah, I know better now.  What's the point of dreaming big if you don't understand that execution - the act of bringing your dreams to fruition - is about the mastery of small acts.  Small acts of competence (e.g., as a manager maybe that's the quality of your 1 on 1's and not the big re-org you've been planning.  as a musician maybe that's your timing, and not those wild b7#9#13 chords you're experimenting with).  And small acts of integrity.  Like focusing on just picking 3 things to do a day and doing those 3 things.  This is not about lowering the bar so you can have a "win", this is about learning not to lie to yourself.  When you put on your list those 20 things that you know you can't get to, you are lying to yourself. You're obscuring away some truth that you need to confront.  You're eroding the trust you have in your own word.

So yeah, if you see me these days being mad excited about 5000 steps a day (versus 10000) or just waking up at the same time consistently each morning, don't fret.  I haven't lost my appetite for ambition, I'm just tired of doing so much big dreaming that I forget how to execute small.  Shoot for the moon all you want, just don't spend all your time in the clouds, you know?