Ways I Have Treated My Inner-Artist

I've Benched Her.

The starting 5 for my corporate day job is:

Analytical-tvu (point guard)
Strategic-tvu (shooting guard)
MakeThatMoney-tvu (small forward)
Research-tvu (power forward)
AddingValue-tvu (center)

If we're up by a lot and the game is well in hand sometimes I'll let the inner-artist play the garbage minutes. You know, give her some game-time experience without jeopardizing the win/loss record.

Outside of the day job, when I'm working on music, I put her in the point guard position. But she's too out of shape to play the whole game. So I have to sub in one of the others - usually Analytical-tvu. Analytical-tvu is a good person to write music with, right? It's fine.

2. Cryogenically froze her.

I tell her that we need to focus on making money right now, but I PROMISE, right after I make a very specific amount of dollars it's time to do art. So we agree to cryogenically freeze her so that she doesn't age and then I'll unfreeze her when I finish making that money. She looks a little worried about this untested technology but I assure her it'll be fine.

After I freeze her I realize how expensive cryogenics is and increase the dollar amount I need to feel comfortable. Also we forgot to take into account all the studio equipment we'll need to buy when she wakes up. That's expensive too. I'll add it to the new target. It'll push out the timeline by a few months but it'll be okay. (Wait, did I factor in inflation and a potential bear market and how much money it'll cost to take care of my parents when they're old? Shoot, let me add that to the target too.) It'll be fine, it's just a few more years, max. She's frozen, she's ageless, and when I finally wake her up it'll be so nice to ONLY focus on art and have nothing else in the way. I like our plan.

(Wait, wait, wait we forgot to think about flood insurance and when did bell peppers get so damn expensive. Shoot.)

3. I bought her guilt-gifts.

I buy her expensive things to apologize for coming home late, for missing our dinner dates, for cancelling on our retreats because of crazy client asks that came out of nowhere. I try to appease her with expensive keyboards ("Look - you've always wanted a Nord!") and a $1200 subwoofer and front row seats to Jacob Collier at the Blue Note.

We never make time to play on the Nord and we were an hour late to Jacob Collier but it's the thought that counts right?

4. I put her in the closet.

When people ask me how I'm spending my sabbatical from work I give vague answers and deflect. I drop breadcrumbs about consulting and make jokes about finally Doing Wellness Well and hope that'll be enough.

I'm afraid if they ask me about my art I'll have to confess. That after treating my inner-artist like crap for so long she finally up and left me. I don't want to tell them that when I sit down at a keyboard nothing happens. That when I grab a pen and pad all I can do is doodle architecture diagrams, no rhymes.

I open up Spotify to see if I can call her back by playing some of our favorite songs, and I realize I have more business podcasts on my "Recently Played" than I have music.

No wonder she left.

5. I wait for her.

I'm not sure if she'll ever come home, but what else do I do? I sit at my piano, Analytical-tvu doing her best to write some chord progressions but it feels a little algorithmic, the way she approaches it. she put the Circle of Fifths in a doubly-linked list and I'm pretty sure she's just iterating through it. it's not terrible, you can make some pretty decent sounding music by following basic rules... but it's missing something.

I try to show up

everyday to the piano, to the notepad, to Ableton. It's hard at first. It's hard to keep coming back to an empty sheet, an empty DAW, a piano where you just play scales because you don't know what else to play.

I recruit a bunch of accountability buddies to help me be consistent. I need to keep showing up I tell them. I need to prove to her that I mean it this time, that I'm here to do the work.

It takes 3 months before I'm able to link together 14 days straight of practicing piano. Takes another 3 to get me writing consistently. On paper these short streaks feel like minor victories, but you should see the cuts and bruises on me. It was a full out brawl with Strategic-tvu to get those days in. She wanted me to cut my losses with the artist and just go back to tech full-time. "Maybe there's a reason you enjoy listening to podcasts more than you do music. Maybe you outgrew her. It happens."

I start to have faith.

I'm showing up everyday, and getting a lot of practice in even if it's just creating maybe-art with all my other parts. Analytical-tvu is not great at making music, but she's killing it on analyzing pop songs and re-implementing patterns that she likes. Research-tvu is studying the science of learning and habit formation and sharing tips for better practice and accountability. It's not the same but it helps.

Every once in a while I sit at the piano or I stare at a notepad and I swear I hear Artist-tvu's steps in the house. She has a very distinct gait compared to everyone else. She walks quietly but assuredly, like a cat that wants you to hear it coming. But I turn around and she's not there. It's just Strategic-tvu scrolling through spreadsheets or MakeThatMoney-tvu checking on crypto prices.

It's okay though, I know she'll come back eventually. My job right now is to be ready this time. To keep showing up.